Ess

EN: Alright, so this is a conversation with Sekoya Sleeth where we are talking about arranging and working on both the first I Made This Album on Anti-Psychotics and the reimagined one. So thanks so much for doing this Koya, and why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself and your music.

SK: Okay, well firstly thank you so much, it’s always fun to have little catch-ups and talks like this. Well to introduce myself, besides having worked with Ess on some songs for a couple albums, now I do a lot of compositions of my own. I usually write in a different sphere of classical music or jazz, so this has always been fun to write in a completely different idiom or medium than I typically do.

EN: Yeah absolutely, had you arranged anything before?

SK: Well yeah, I had for some personal projects and school and stuff, and I maybe had done a couple of small projects here and there, but I think working with you was the first time I had worked on a project that would be some big project released to the public.

EN: Okay, cool! So like my main question I really want to talk about today was how was your experience working with me and working on I Made This Album on Anti-Psychotics a year ago, because you were a really big part of… really the whole thing, because we talked a lot as it came together. You arranged three of the songs “Songs in Major Keys, “New York My Darling” andddd, why am I forgetting the third song?

SK: “Home.”

EN: Oh and “Home”, yes. So what was your experience with that?

SK: Okay, well I think at that time we had started becoming friends but we didn’t know each other too well, so I think each time, if I recall correctly, you would send me pretty much the completed song, though I think sometimes I heard various iterations as they were being-

EN: yes!

SK: -written. I think it was at first very much like writing letters, you know? Like in the old days before phones or email and stuff, like people having to read a whole letter and then have to write a response to that, in like, there would be this time in between, especially on my end. I think you’re a much faster writer than I am. So I would have this letter from you, which would be your song, and then I would kind of have to go through it and try to think of a way to respond to it. I think in that time we were getting to know each other better. So a lot of times it was me… Cause I think these were some of your first songs right?

EN: yeah

SK: So I didn’t really yet know what your sound was, cause it was your first album. So I think my response instead of being like, fitting your style, was to take inspiration from what you wrote and adding my own additions, my own dialogue with it. When I think back to “Songs in Major Keys” I remember some spots in it where I was like “oh, is Esther going to be okay with this weird harmony I did? And like this weird orchestration?”

EN: And if I can interrupt, I’ve gotten so much good feedback about the “Songs in Major Keys” arrangement, but that’s what I based the whole album sonically on, arrangement wise. I had written most of the songs at that point, but that was the first song I recorded and I was like “welp! This is what we’re doing!” So that turned out to be a really good thing because I still love that arrangement. Do you still look back on that one and think “yep, I did a good job?”

SK: I still really like that arrangement. There’s one arrangement on the first album I’m not as happy with that I did, but I think out of the three that I did I’m still pretty happy with “Songs in Major Keys”

EN: And we’ve talked about this! I think the arrangement you’re not as happy with is “New York My Darling” which I actually listened to today; listened to my own arrangement like a dork…

SK: I do that all the time. 

EN: I really like it still! I don’t really like how I panned things, but I like the arrangement a lot.

SK: Well I’m glad you like it! I think “Home” had a little bit of this, but less extreme than “New York My Darling” but I think there was a sound in my mind’s ear from what we talked about with each other, and I don’t think I captured it, like with “Home” for example, I think what you gave as a suggestion was to take some inspiration from Chopin?

EN: Yeah

SK: And I remember, I think, still I went romantic piano, but I listened back to it and while I still like the “Home” arrangement I don’t think it captured what I think I wanted to capture in my head, and maybe it’s just hard to imitate Chopin. 

EN: Yeah, and for everyone reading this, every single time Koya sends me an arrangement it is nothing like I expect it to be, and then every time I send him back the finished product it is nothing like he expects it to be. 

SK: I know I love that. I love how what we hear and what’s the sheet music is nothing like what the final project is, which I think is what’s really cool about them.

EN: It is really cool! And I’m quite fond of that first album, but I kind of wanted to reimagine it and you were also a giant part of the reimagining. And we had this conversation a couple months ago about how we kind of didn’t collaborate as much on my next two albums, and I kind of wanted to get back to that.

SK: Yeah, I missed that.

EN: I missed it too! And I think you arranged five songs on this album, let’s see there's “New York My Darling”, “The Only Way Is Up,” “Nineteen,” “I Can’t Trust My Mind we both arranged, and the clarinet part to “Songs in Major Keys.”

SK: And I think what was fun with this newer album was the diversity in processes we went with arranging it, because it was a lot more collaborative this time around, than the first album. Because oftentimes I think that time around I would ask you to give me a transcription too.

EN: You did.

SK:  Because I did not have the brain capacity or patience to make the transcription myself at that point… But I think in this case, the reimagined album, I was able to base “New York My Darling” off of what we did originally-

EN: And oh my gosh! No one has heard the new version of “New York My Darling” but it’s so good!

SK: The thing about the reimagined album, because the first one I did for it was “The Only Way is Up” right?

EN: Yes.

SK: And I think that one I did pretty much the way I did the first one. I listened to the recording, I think I transcribed it that time around…

EN: You did.

SK: But I, I think, at that point because you had done in between albums, and we’ve also become much closer friends since the first time. Because I think when you did the first album, had we only met in person once?

EN: We had only met in person once, and also I think the thing with this newer one, and this kinda segues into my next one about how our collaborative process has changed, but we are much more honest with each other now.

SK: Oh yeah.

EN: Which I think has been for the better, and like, I kind of wanted to talk about our overall creative process, which we’ve already touched on, and how that kind of culminated in us writing and collaborating on this really beautiful song “Nineteen” which is near the end of the album, and I think where that kind of started is collaborating on “I Can’t Trust My Mind’s” arrangement.

SK: Yeah that’s what I was going to say, that I wanted to maybe touch on that one first.

EN: And yeah, that one is out now to listen to and the way we did this was so funny. We were on facetime and me or you would have an idea, and I had just recorded the melody line to the click track, with nothing else on it. We would have an idea, and we would hang up and I’d go record it, because I am very fast at recording and everything.

SK: You are very fast.

EN: And we’d call back and listen to the progress… and we did that on and off for an hour or two!

SK: Yeah, and I’d be like, “what if you did this? Or this would sound cool or maybe this doesn’t work as well, or wow, this really works”

EN: Yeah, and for everyone who doesn’t know, Koya’s in California and I’m here in Ohio. So, this was a long distance, on the spot, arrangement while I was recording, and I adore the way it turned out. And actually, I was on an airplane, and I wrote these lyrics to this song called “Nineteen” about the year I was nineteen, and kind of the end of that year, turning twenty. I sent those lyrics to Koya and was like “could you write some music to this?” Do you want to talk about how we kind of wrote the music and you tweaked the lyrics a little bit?

SK: Yeah well I think when you sent me the lyrics and I started playing around on the piano, and also I guess to preface so it’ll be more clear to those reading, obviously you play the piano and sing, I’m primarily just a pianist. I’d love to get more comfortable with singing, but I’m primarily just a pianist. So, when working on it I think I was approaching it… Well I wanted to match what other songs you had worked on. And the voice you had been developing. And I found something on the piano that really resonated with your lyrics, and I remember sending them to you and it was something like “I think this is a really good piano part” sort of thing… but I can’t really think about the melody. Or, I think your melody would be a lot more authentic to the lyrics.

EN: Yeah, and we also figured it out over facetime. We both sat at our pianos and worked through what we thought the melody and chord progression would be, we used Koya’s piano part and Koya came up with this pretty sick chromatic line sort of deal.

SK: I love chromatic stuff way too much, I’m a nerd.

EN: It’s a really interesting chord progression in the sort of second half of the verses and I adore it so much.

SK: Yeah what I also think was fun about that progression was that I had this idea with it, but I think I maybe miscommunicated it? Because you did this really extra spicy chord, which was based on what I was talking about, but was even more intense than what I was trying to suggest.

EN: Yeah, I think I did maybe the major seventh instead of the minor seventh.

SK:  Yeah, it was like a diminished triad with a major seventh, sorry for being so technical. But it just had this extra tension to it. And we just went with that. It was cool because you were kind of just riffing off of my thing and we just keep riffing off of each other.

EN: Yeah, and I just want to say in conclusion to this conversation, Koya is far and away my favorite person to collaborate with, everything is so fun and he always surprises me with what he comes up with.

SK: You always surprise me too and I love it.

EN: Yeah, cause I think these arrangements- I Made this Album on Anti-Psychotics and the reimagined version wouldn’t be what they are without Koya’s arrangements so I’m very happy about that.

SK: Well thank you so much, I look forward to future collaborations.

EN: Thank you so much for doing this Koya.

SK: Thank you for having me!

EN: I hope one or two people made it to the end of this, this was fun!

SK: Me too, thank you!

I Made This Album on Anti-Psychotics is a concept album about the year I was diagnosed with bipolar. I Made This Album on Anti-Psychotics: Reimagined is the exact same album, except for something different that I’ve had a hard time pinpointing. It’s more than the past year of voice lessons, it’s more than the 14 extra voices on this new reimagining. It’s more than the difference between 21 and 22. When I wrote Anti-Psychotics initially it was a desperate cry to be heard. I started writing about a year after my diagnosis with bipolar type 1, and with less than a year of sobriety under my belt. I held on to every creative decision like it was my life mission. It was a manic flurry of learning Ableton, learning how to craft songs, and learning what my diagnosis meant long term. This reimagined album is very much out of my control. Yes, at the end of the day I mix and master the songs, but every day I get texts about small changes, writing differences, and constructive criticism. This album is only as strong as the 20 other people making it come alive. I’m more resigned to what life on anti-psychotics looks like now, and I’m almost two years sober. Do you know what’s changed?

As previously stated, Anti-Psychotics is a concept album. I grew up loving “The Wall” and “Ziggy Stardust” and it happened both naturally, and very intentionally. When I started writing songs, that particular period of my life was the only thing that inspired me, and in case you haven’t heard the original album, I’ll outline the story track by track here.

1. Songs in Minor Keys is a fictional story of a breakup with a very erratic instrumental made to sound like the start of a nervous breakdown. 
2. New York My Darling outlines my love/hate relationship with New York through the lens of a toxic relationship. The music was very inspired by theater and was arranged by Sekoya Sleeth.
3. I Don’t Want to Eat Today signals the beginning of the decline, when things become too much and you simply can’t get yourself to eat meals, while feeling the guilt of that being an incredibly privileged position to be in.
4. Drinking Alone is my “asshole” song. Inspired by artists like Noah Kahan I wanted to show that I wasn’t always kind, and it wasn’t always a pretty situation. The chord progression was very inspired by Bob Dylan.
5. Home was also arranged by Sekoya Sleeth and was inspired by classical music. I tried to capture the feeling of a song like Rivers and Roads. Being far away from Home, but still feeling the presence of your family. This is the only original track with a featured artist, my whole immediate family. 
6. Rock Bottom (I Can’t Trust My Mind) is my favorite song from the initial album. It is the calm within the nervous breakdown, it’s the peace of knowing that nothing can hurt you more than you’ve hurt yourself.
7. The Only Way is Up is the song where everything flips. It was written very intentionally to be the follow up to Rock Bottom, and has my favorite outro of any song I’ve written. 
8. Family Ties is the reminder that everything is connected, and the journey of self healing includes realizations, ups, downs, and everything in between.
9. I Don’t Want to Be Pretty Anymore has another outro I love, and is mostly meant to symbolize some sort of tentative peace. It’s the only not super accurate song, because I cut my hair off a while after the period I wrote the album about. 
10.  Songs in Major Keys is the first song I ever released. It’s a love song that hurts, a joyous celebration of fear and love. I still adore this song, and it is the last, but not the least of Sekoya’s arrangements.

At first I thought this story was pretty airtight. But the more time I spent thinking about the parts that make up the whole, the more I saw, well, holes. I brought up this breakup at the very beginning, and it never gets mentioned again. The person who I clearly adore in Songs in Major Keys isn’t foreshadowed at all. Both the descent and ascent happen pretty quickly with some context, but not any evaluation. While working on this project I rewrote four songs I started back in 2025 and let them bridge the sonic narrative and lyrical narrative. The first of these comes right after Songs in Minor Keys and is called Feeling, Feeling, Feeling. Feeling is a song about bitterness after a relationship, and that pit of doom that something is about to go very wrong. It’s an upbeat rock song with some country influences, genres I never really explored in the initial album.

The second new song comes after The Only Way Is Up. If You’re Alright is a song about the talking stage. Getting to know somebody, feeling scared, but marvelling at the differences in your brain. It was heavily inspired by Supertramp. What more can you possibly want in a track?

I don’t want to give too much away about Love is Blind. The track comes after Family Ties and is meant as a bridge, but also as a reflection on past relationships, and hope for the new ones. It is a multi-faceted song that explores conflict, both sonically, and lyrically.

Nineteen is special. It comes right before Songs in Major Keys and is the reflection I feel like the album needs. It was especially special to co-write and feature with Sekoya Sleeth, who was a major contributor to the first album and the new one as far as arrangements and advice goes. 

The vibes are off. Or maybe they’re good? Either way they are certainly different. About a month out from releasing my first album I told someone “I just wish I had made it a bit more psychotic.” A bit more psychotic it certainly is. I utilize a lot more foley sounds, and explore the rock genre and subgenres in a way that perhaps only A Mother’s Love, a song off of my third album, has explored before. I made a very conscious effort for this new reimagining to take on a life of its own. The first single, Drinking Alone featuring Lost in the Obscure, is out now. If that song is any indication, things have changed.

What exactly has changed though? It is definitely more than the vibes, or the fact that humankind has now seen the dark side of the moon. The word that rang in my head today as I sat down to write was “hope.” As cheesy and childish as that sounds, I do have hope. I believe in getting better. I believe in restoration. I believe in the music. I believe that the only way is up.

My first album, very tactfully titled “I Made This Album on Anti-Psychotics”, was released July 12th, 2025. I indeed did make my first album on anti-psychotics. I made my second, third, and fourth albums on anti-psychotics. If you asked me if the psychosis is fueling the albums, or if the albums are fueling the psychosis, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. It’s kind of a chicken and an egg situation, I guess.

One time, someone asked me what I loved most, and I said alcohol. That wasn’t entirely true then, and it’s not entirely true now, but it was a companion. When both of my arms were twisted, I had to quit, and nothing has been the same since. To fill the hole, I started writing in January of 2025. I wrote a hundred songs by July, mostly centered around the year I was nineteen, when a tervis full of deli liquor was my best friend. The result is my first album, “I Made This Album on Anti-Psychotics: or a Brief Study of Insanity.” 

The album is ten songs of me fighting and grasping to make some sense of the alcoholism and bipolar disorder that hit me all at once. It’s a cry for help and a reassurance of hope. I made it so people know it gets better, but psychosis is a fickle thing. You’ve got to hit rock bottom; or maybe that’s just what I like to tell myself.

“I Made This Album on Anti-Psychotics” changed my life. Not because I got any real money or applause for it, but because I learned that some highs you don’t need to smoke for. It’s a high I’ve chased for the past year, releasing two more official albums, and a B-side album of discarded songs. I wrote in an Instagram caption, “I know this is too much music, but I just can’t stop.” I really can’t. Making this sad lesbian music gives me more hope and direction than alcohol ever did, but something has consistently pulled me back to some of the first songs I’ve released. So I’ve decided to start completely fresh, and do what I did a year ago… again. 

It’s not entirely the same. When I made my first album, I was completely isolated. I’m no longer alone, and I can see I was never truly alone, even then. Each track features a different artist I greatly admire. One of my favorite musicians arranged many of the tracks. Many of my friends played various instruments. It’s no longer a solo project, and I couldn’t feel more proud of what it’s become. 

There are also four new tracks, “Nineteen,” “Feeling Feeling Feeling,” “If You’re Alright,” and “Love is Blind.” They are part of the story too, and in the middle of the album, where they should chronologically be. 

More than anything else, I thought it deserved more love. When I produced the original album, I had been producing for three months and songwriting for four. I’m deeply proud of the album I put out, but I knew and know it can be improved upon.

Nineteen musicians played, wrote, sang, and christened this album. Anyone who knows me knows I’m staunchly independent in my art. Up until this point, I’ve proved nearly impossible to collaborate with and very set in my ways. The process of collaborating has been hard, but made me grow so much as an artist. Each of these singers, writers, poets, recording engineers, and instrumentalists added something I could never. Perspective. For that, I will always be grateful. 

So why am I writing about any of this? Mostly because my fiancé/unpaid manager said I needed to make a blog post, but also because I do think it matters. Liza Anne, an artist I respect said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Some mental illnesses are romantic, mine are not.” Psychosis has a stigma. My particular flavor of bipolar can rub people the wrong way, but hey, it’s in the title. There’s help. I hope if anyone gets anything out of this project, I hope they get that there’s help, there’s hope, and “no one is alone” (had to slip a Sondheim quote into this somewhere!)

I made my first album on anti-psychotics. I made this album on anti-psychotics. I’ll probably be on anti-psychotics the rest of my life, but I also have these songs. Soon you will too.

P.S. Of course this album is dedicated to Jerry

I Made This Album on Anti-Psychotics: Reimagined. Out July 11th, 2026.